Dear Diary:
Hey lookit that! 28 Days, just like the Sandra Bullock movie! She is HOT, isn’t she? Wait, did I just say that? ILIKEMENILIKEMENILIKEMEN. Isn’t it just so annoying how they always hog the remote, though? And how ’bout that premature ejaculation, huh? (Note to self: work on these– promising routines in the making, here.)
So hey, this place isn’t so bad. A little OJ in the morning mixed with some flat 7up — it’s just like a screwdriver. And speaking of screwdrivers, isn’t it crazy how men are so POSSESSIVE about their tool boxes? Like they’re trying to PROVE something.
(Note to self: punch that one up a little. “Home Improvement” reruns are on the local Fox channel back to back starting at 4. Good inspiration.)
No word from the kids for three weeks now. I think they’re still pissed we didn’t make it to Toys R Us before I got a DUI. Apparently I blacked out there a couple times previously after handing my credit card to the oldest one. That was news to me!
I would love to see them, though. I asked them to bring me some new PJs ‘cos frankly, these standard-issue ones don’t really do my boobs justice.
Just had a visitor. Thought it was my lawyer. It was my agent. They DUMPED me from Hollywood Squares! Can you BELIEVE it? I was going to be diagonal to Whoopi…diagonal to Oscar-winning greatness! They said I was “too controversial”. I can’t fucking believe it!
My agent says not to worry, that Brett Sommers had her own troubles during her Match Game heyday. Then I brought up the subject of Jaye P. Morgan and The Gong Show and she all of a sudden remembered an appointment with her manicurist.
Dear Diary:
Okay, can I just say: ORANGE JUMPSUITS! I’m no fashion plate, but I must say I’m lookin’ pretty stylin’! I’m trying to see if I can get the top in a smaller size to show my nipples off to their best advantage.
I don’t know what I’m doing here, frankly. I just took some pain meds for my sprained wrist. Must have been the m(scribbled) um… must have been all the mah jong I’ve been playing.
My cellmate is called Brittany — she shoplifted something from the MAC counter at Macy’s. I think she’s a little scared of me! I TOLD her I wasn’t in here for anything bad, but she keeps backing into the corner and yelling, “Please! I don’t want to be your bitch!”
So far, jail’s not so bad. I wonder what’s for lunch?