Rehab Diary

Just had a visitor. Thought it was my lawyer. It was my agent. They DUMPED me from Hollywood Squares! Can you BELIEVE it? I was going to be diagonal to Whoopi…diagonal to Oscar-winning greatness! They said I was “too controversial”. I can’t fucking believe it!

My agent says not to worry, that Brett Sommers had her own troubles during her Match Game heyday. Then I brought up the subject of Jaye P. Morgan and The Gong Show and she all of a sudden remembered an appointment with her manicurist.

Dear Diary:

Okay, can I just say: ORANGE JUMPSUITS! I’m no fashion plate, but I must say I’m lookin’ pretty stylin’! I’m trying to see if I can get the top in a smaller size to show my nipples off to their best advantage.

I don’t know what I’m doing here, frankly. I just took some pain meds for my sprained wrist. Must have been the m(scribbled) um… must have been all the mah jong I’ve been playing.

My cellmate is called Brittany — she shoplifted something from the MAC counter at Macy’s. I think she’s a little scared of me! I TOLD her I wasn’t in here for anything bad, but she keeps backing into the corner and yelling, “Please! I don’t want to be your bitch!”

So far, jail’s not so bad. I wonder what’s for lunch?

Dear Diary:

Kissing scene with Calista tomorrow. I just can’t deal! Just a little something to numb the pain… Life as Bubba’s bitch seems like a slice of heaven compared to this…

Dear Diary:

Got home, Antonio was here the whole time. Claims the answering machine is “broken”. Says he thought I was off filming a “Body Double” sequel in Toronto.

It is so good to be back in my Antonio’s arms, but I can’t help but wonder where the nanny got those diamond earrings, and why she’s walking around bow-legged. If I found out she fucked my Antonio, she is SO FIRED!

Dear Diary:

Okay, I just have to make it through today, and everything will be okay. Bacon and eggs for breakfast, but really, that’s only to keep up my strength. Normally I just have some dry toast and some water with lemon. Will go back to my regular regimen as soon as I get home.

Was feeling really down last night because I haven’t heard from Antonio, then I realized, he is probably on a location shoot! He is most likely out of the country and didn’t want to burden me with his petty career moves while I am here, fighting for my life. So sweet of him to keep bringing home the bacon while I recover.

Speaking of bacon, think I will have a BLT for lunch. At least food is the one thing these morons can get right.

Another goodie basket from John Waters! Basket of cookies with a note, “Please say yes”. I admit I indulged, god knows I deserve it!

Asshole “Bonfire” orderly came to clear away my tray and told me he rented “Celebrity” last night without realizing I was in it. Said it was the first Woody Allen movie he hated.

Thank god I check out tomorrow, I don’t think I can take much more of this abuse!

Dear Diary:

GOD DAMN FUCKING BULLSHIT CAN’T YOU SEE I’M IN PAIN??? GET ME OUT OF THIS FUCKING PLACE SO I CAN GET SOME FUCKING VICODIN, SOMETHING SOMETHING SOMETHING!!

One of the kids called today, one of the boys, I think. Hurts too much to talk! I asked him to put his stepdaddy on the phone, but I passed out before I could talk to Antonio.

I asked for something to help me sleep, and the fucking nurse brought me WARM MILK!

Dear Diary:

This is HELL! Tried leaving three messages for Antonio, but got cut off every time! Finally got through to the maid, but she started babbling something in Spanish and I don’t know what the fuck she said.

DAMMIT! Two more days in this hell-hole.

It hurts too much to move, so I asked for a bedpan. The evil orderly (the “Bonfire” one) told me to get off my ass and get to the toilet myself, he wasn’t gonna empty no bedpans. UnBELIEVEable!! I could have won an Oscar for “Lolita” if Kim Basinger hadn’t STOLEN it. Or was it Judi Dench? Oh hell, they’re all bitches, and jealous of the love Antonio and I share.

Oh, my Antonio, where are you???

AUUUUUGH! Strained my back getting on the Stairmaster. GodDAMMIT it hurts!

Asked a nurse for some relief, and she gave me TYLENOL! Can you fucking believe it? I told her I almost got the Golden Globe for “RKO 281″ and she better fucking give me something better than THAT! You know what? She LAUGHED at me!

Having dinner in bed, hurts too much to move. Meatloaf for dinner. I fucking hate meatloaf, but need the protein to heal.

Still waiting for Antonio’s call…

Dear Diary:

Waited up ’til 2 a.m. for call from Antonio. Nothing! Have left four messages so far today. So help me, if that little tramp nanny is wearing those skimpy tank tops around the house…

Depressed this a.m., so had extra pancakes at breakfast. It’s okay, though, because I will workout today for sure! More later…

Tried calling home, got the answering machine! Left message for Antonio to call me RIGHT AWAY.

Got handmade card from kids. (Whatever.)

Went to taste another chocolate… wait, I didn’t eat this all myself, did I? I think the new orderly must have sneaked some. He doesn’t like me. I think I saw him spit in my chocolate pudding after he said,”‘Bonfire of the Vanities” was my favorite book, and you RUINED IT for me!” Hey, it’s not my fault. I got my boobs done and everything for that role!

Okay, will workout tomorrow, honest. I don’t think I should leave my room in case Antonio calls.