Rehab Diary

Boys Will Be Boys, Girls Will Be Hounded by the Media

By ALEX WILLIAMS

Published: February 17, 2008

Some celebrities and their handlers are now claiming that the news media have a double standard.

Celebritart Lindsay Lohan checked into the Promises rehab facility on Monday, TMZ.com reports. Lohan faces misdemeanor DUI charges stemming from a traffic accident last week in which a quantity of cocaine was found in her car.

Actress Selma Blair has checked into the Malibu, Calif. rehab facility Promises, Hollywood.com reports. No word on whether she’ll be occupying the Britney Spears memorial celebrity special-treatment wing.

Rocker Courtney Love was sued for not paying a $181,000 bill for an 11-week stay at a posh California rehab clinic, the Washington Post reports.

Seems like this could be a common problem for celebrities who hit rock bottom. Maybe clinics could institute a pay-as-you-go policy? Pay $1,000 up front to tell a guy with a sport coat and a beard how hard your childhood was. Two-hour furloughs for shopping sprees on Rodeo Drive would set you back $10,000. And of course there’d be automated vending machines selling methodone for $50 a dose. It could totally work!

According to a syndicated interview on Hollywood.com, Lindsay Lohan says she would have died if it weren’t for her time in rehab. If we’d have known that a stay in rehab conveys immortality, we’d have drank more in college.

Britney Spears has returned to a rehab facility near Los Angeles, celebrity gossip site TMZ.com has reported. If I weren’t a little hopped up on cough medicine at the moment, there’d probably be a joke here; however, that Scottish bastard Craig Ferguson who apparently has some sort of television show said we shouldn’t be making jokes at the expense of “the vulnerable”. Which is good, because I have a gigantic backlog of jokes about Jesus, Superman and Dick Cheney that I can use up now.

Pop princess Britney Spears popped into a rehab facility in Antigua, then checked out less than 24 hours later, TMZ.com reports. Who says Lindsay Lohan isn’t a role model for the young women of America?

Twenty-year-old Lindsay Lohan has left rehab after a month-long stay, ANI reports. Describing Lohan as “healthy-looking,” she has reportedly gone to work on the set of her next movie, which is being shot in San Luis Obispo, California. One of our editors went to school near there and can state with some authority that it’s basically a paradise for a recovering alcoholic. A local TV news station reports that security is tight on the set and Lohan is being kept out of public view, possibly out of fear that throngs of curious passers-by will bombard her with martini shakers and vodka jello shots, then remove her panties, take photos, and post them online.

Alleged British pop star Robbie Williams has checked into a rehab clinic somewhere in the U.S. for treatment of addiction to painkillers, Reuters reports. Apparently the singer, who The Sun once called “the fattest bloke in pop,” chose America as the location of his treatment because he wanted to go someplace where absolutely nobody knew him and he had absolutely no fans.

Lindsay Lohan is busily texting paramours from the comparatively lax confines of the Wonderland rehab facility, Hollywood.com reports. She says that her only cravings are for McDonald’s hamburgers and sex, which is not bad for week two in the tank; we’d figured her top cravings would be for an eight-ball, a quart of Jack Daniels and a small yet powerful handgun. (When we originally read that story we thought it said “McDonalds hamburgers with sex” which activated our long-dormant low-quality ground beef fetish.)