Rehab Diary

Twenty-year-old Lindsay Lohan has left rehab after a month-long stay, ANI reports. Describing Lohan as “healthy-looking,” she has reportedly gone to work on the set of her next movie, which is being shot in San Luis Obispo, California. One of our editors went to school near there and can state with some authority that it’s basically a paradise for a recovering alcoholic. A local TV news station reports that security is tight on the set and Lohan is being kept out of public view, possibly out of fear that throngs of curious passers-by will bombard her with martini shakers and vodka jello shots, then remove her panties, take photos, and post them online.

Alleged British pop star Robbie Williams has checked into a rehab clinic somewhere in the U.S. for treatment of addiction to painkillers, Reuters reports. Apparently the singer, who The Sun once called “the fattest bloke in pop,” chose America as the location of his treatment because he wanted to go someplace where absolutely nobody knew him and he had absolutely no fans.

Lindsay Lohan is busily texting paramours from the comparatively lax confines of the Wonderland rehab facility, Hollywood.com reports. She says that her only cravings are for McDonald’s hamburgers and sex, which is not bad for week two in the tank; we’d figured her top cravings would be for an eight-ball, a quart of Jack Daniels and a small yet powerful handgun. (When we originally read that story we thought it said “McDonalds hamburgers with sex” which activated our long-dormant low-quality ground beef fetish.)

Tough guy Mike Tyson has reportedly checked in to Wonderland, the same facility where Lindsay Lohan is seeking treatment, Hollywood.com reports.

Wouldn’t it be neat to be a fly on the wall when Tyson and Lohan first cross paths? Their fast friendship together in the tank will no doubt be punctuated by shared confidences, the occasional pillow fight after lights out and mutual makeovers over mock daquiris in the break room.

Spokesdroids for Kate Moss have denied that the stupormodel has checked into rehab, CBS News reports. Earlier rumors stated that Moss and rocker beau Pete Doherty had checked into a London facility together (isn’t that sweet). Moss had some personal dry-out time in Arizona in 2005.

Lindsay Lohan watchers have been scratching their heads since the hard-partying, poor-spelling ingenue checked herself in on January 17. She seems to be spending as much time shopping and flipping the paparazzi the bird than working on her problems. But according to Access Hollywood, the frequent outings are all part of the treatment. Sort of like the way they take afternoon strolls at old-folks’ homes, except with perkier breasts and much more money.

Miss USA Tara Conner is hitting the publicity circuit a week after being sprung from a Pennsylvania rehab facility, E! News reports. The lovely yet slightly mixed-up 21-year-old will be interviewed on NBC’s Today program on Thursday morning where she’ll hopefully give some hair care tips to Matt Lauer.

They saved my old room for me, so nice of them to remember! My favorite attendant Javier is still here. He’s so sweet. And musical, too! He reminds me of Peter. In fact, I honestly don’t think Javier recognized me first time out, but as soon as I mentioned Peter’s name he practically SHRIEKED! It was all I could do to keep him from performing “I Go to Rio” in its entirety when he was suppposed to be giving me a foot massage.

Lorna sent flowers. I wish she’d send me a goddamn Snickers bar.

Dear Diary:

Honestly, I just wanted to tell that adorable Latrell Sprewell what a towering athletic talent he has. But I suppose it’s time to reflect, and get recentered. This is just a little setback.

Thank God they’ve redecorated since the last time I was here. Rehab was such a DEPRESSING place to be in the 80’s. One always felt like one was missing out on some fabulous party. Now you never know who you’ll run into right here! I saw a picture of that Melanie Griffith up on the wall of the dining hall. She’s married to that Antonio Banderas– why on EARTH would you need to get doped up when you had HIM around the house, I ask you? I could just eat him up with a spoon. And I’m STRAIGHT, mind you.

But back to the redecoration. SO glad they’ve done away with the pink-and-taupe color scheme. But these sheets, they’re like sandpaper! These must be a 100-thread count, max. WHERE do they get them from, K-Mart? Had I known, I would have brought my own, and some to share.

Okay okay okay. I’ll go. But FUCK! NOW how am I supposed to get laid?