Rehab Diary

Watched second daughter on “Entertainment Tonight” tonight. (Note to self: ask secretary to remind me what second daughter’s name is.) Was sufficiently respectful and toadying, but a little too fond of the spotlight. Must talk to her about this. Was SHOCKED to see Billy Dee interviewed and finding out that it was the first he had heard of my incapacitation! What, is he too busy dusting off his action figure likenesses and filming malt liquor commercials? (Note to self: tell secretary to remove BDW from Christmas Card list.)

All in all, I think publicist is handling this well. With all luck, this will result in at least 25% boost in sales for upcoming concert tour.

Mary Wilson called (no doubt to gloat) just now. I told them to tell her I was much too fragile to talk on the phone. Bitch never did know when to leave well enough alone.

Dinner is over. The food here is terrible. And such small portions. Should do wonders for my pre-tour diet.

New nurse this afternoon. Fucking idiot! Told me she LUUUVED “Do You Know the Way to San Jose”. I politely explained to her that I was NOT her psychic friend and was not in the habit of getting busted for drugs at the airport.

(Honestly, what was Dionne thinking? Carrying her own reefer? Isn’t that what one’s secretaries are for?)

The kitchen ran OUT of Evian today, and expected me to make do with Perrier. The very idea! They won’t let me use the phone, so I asked one of the orderlies out to get me a case of Evian and a pack of Gitanes. He asked to be paid, but he wouldn’t take a check. Honestly, you’d think these people would have a little more faith in others.

Apparently I am the only celebrity in this wing, which is good. This morning there was a group session with four producers, two screenwriters, and Jean-Claude Van Damme’s former personal assistant. Knowing how important it is to keep busy at times like these, I asked the personal assistant to fetch me some Evian from the dining room. You should have SEEN the look she gave me. Such rudeness. I was only trying to help.

The day nurse is a big fan, and has been such a lamb. This morning she took my toast back twice until the idiots in the kitchen got it the shade and crunchiness I prefer. I obliged her with a quick chorus of “Upside Down” and she was so thrilled she slipped me an extra Valium. There’s always been such a wonderful give and take between me and my fans.

All this counseling and dry toast is really such a bore, I can’t wait until Visiting Day.

auidapa aydpasdiudsap dslk;d sd dsiu dsdslau Mahogany aldjas;dsk su siuiiiii 29a[ as9iso .saddfu slT Wiz adljsldfa asdfusaiofu ysduapdoi ldsjasu FUCKING BILLY DEE WILLIAMS! asdisap so siudpaoduispo sdoiaupio8989089898S9 SOID98O SI9IEOIDSKDK SIKDK KDKDI IKAISO IASOA[P
.SKLDA;I

F.

yoURS ever,

D.

Dear Diary:

Hey lookit that! 28 Days, just like the Sandra Bullock movie! She is HOT, isn’t she? Wait, did I just say that? ILIKEMENILIKEMENILIKEMEN. Isn’t it just so annoying how they always hog the remote, though? And how ’bout that premature ejaculation, huh? (Note to self: work on these– promising routines in the making, here.)

So hey, this place isn’t so bad. A little OJ in the morning mixed with some flat 7up — it’s just like a screwdriver. And speaking of screwdrivers, isn’t it crazy how men are so POSSESSIVE about their tool boxes? Like they’re trying to PROVE something.

(Note to self: punch that one up a little. “Home Improvement” reruns are on the local Fox channel back to back starting at 4. Good inspiration.)

No word from the kids for three weeks now. I think they’re still pissed we didn’t make it to Toys R Us before I got a DUI. Apparently I blacked out there a couple times previously after handing my credit card to the oldest one. That was news to me!

I would love to see them, though. I asked them to bring me some new PJs ‘cos frankly, these standard-issue ones don’t really do my boobs justice.

Just had a visitor. Thought it was my lawyer. It was my agent. They DUMPED me from Hollywood Squares! Can you BELIEVE it? I was going to be diagonal to Whoopi…diagonal to Oscar-winning greatness! They said I was “too controversial”. I can’t fucking believe it!

My agent says not to worry, that Brett Sommers had her own troubles during her Match Game heyday. Then I brought up the subject of Jaye P. Morgan and The Gong Show and she all of a sudden remembered an appointment with her manicurist.

Dear Diary:

Okay, can I just say: ORANGE JUMPSUITS! I’m no fashion plate, but I must say I’m lookin’ pretty stylin’! I’m trying to see if I can get the top in a smaller size to show my nipples off to their best advantage.

I don’t know what I’m doing here, frankly. I just took some pain meds for my sprained wrist. Must have been the m(scribbled) um… must have been all the mah jong I’ve been playing.

My cellmate is called Brittany — she shoplifted something from the MAC counter at Macy’s. I think she’s a little scared of me! I TOLD her I wasn’t in here for anything bad, but she keeps backing into the corner and yelling, “Please! I don’t want to be your bitch!”

So far, jail’s not so bad. I wonder what’s for lunch?

Dear Diary:

Kissing scene with Calista tomorrow. I just can’t deal! Just a little something to numb the pain… Life as Bubba’s bitch seems like a slice of heaven compared to this…

Dear Diary:

Got home, Antonio was here the whole time. Claims the answering machine is “broken”. Says he thought I was off filming a “Body Double” sequel in Toronto.

It is so good to be back in my Antonio’s arms, but I can’t help but wonder where the nanny got those diamond earrings, and why she’s walking around bow-legged. If I found out she fucked my Antonio, she is SO FIRED!

Dear Diary:

Okay, I just have to make it through today, and everything will be okay. Bacon and eggs for breakfast, but really, that’s only to keep up my strength. Normally I just have some dry toast and some water with lemon. Will go back to my regular regimen as soon as I get home.

Was feeling really down last night because I haven’t heard from Antonio, then I realized, he is probably on a location shoot! He is most likely out of the country and didn’t want to burden me with his petty career moves while I am here, fighting for my life. So sweet of him to keep bringing home the bacon while I recover.

Speaking of bacon, think I will have a BLT for lunch. At least food is the one thing these morons can get right.

Another goodie basket from John Waters! Basket of cookies with a note, “Please say yes”. I admit I indulged, god knows I deserve it!

Asshole “Bonfire” orderly came to clear away my tray and told me he rented “Celebrity” last night without realizing I was in it. Said it was the first Woody Allen movie he hated.

Thank god I check out tomorrow, I don’t think I can take much more of this abuse!